It seems I can’t turn my computer on without reading about horse rescues and why some are bad and some are good. While I have rescued a horse or two in the past, I have never run a rescue and I really don’t want to. Not because I don’t care about abuse and neglected animals; I do. I just wouldn’t care to jump into the fray of back-biting and nastiness that seems to go on with rescues. One of the things that the PSAs like to screech about is rescues and if they don’t like how you’re doing it, they’re going to go out of their way to make sure you hear about it…..A LOT. The PSAs also like to claim that us anti-slaughter types, don’t listen to them and respect their vast knowledge of horse husbandry, so I’m going prove that I do hear them and talk about setting up the ultimate rescue according to their rules. I hope I get it right…
Where Are You Going To Keep The Horses?
This seems like the best place to start. From what I have read from the PSA crowd, you don’t need to actually own your own property, but you must house the horses on lush pastures with only 1 horse per every 5 acres. Of course proper water and shelter is a necessity as well. However, if you support slaughter, there is some wiggle room and you can hogpile any number of horses on a dry lot with electric tape and uncapped t-posts because, one way or another, they won’t be sticking around long. It’s even better if you are a frustrated trainer or breeder yourself so you can intermingle your two vocations and use the goodwill of the rescue end of things to prop up your other costly habits that don’t profit you at all.
Where Do You Get Horses To Rescue?
This part gets a little more complicated. According to PSA dogma, you must never purchase a horse and call it a rescue horse. Kill buyers are your friends so purchasing horses from them is NOT rescuing, but interfering with somebody’s living. Also, you must never take custody of horses seized from a neglect situation because all abusers and hoarders are just misunderstood and need a little support. If you happen to have both of your front teeth and a moderately supportive bra, you may be able to get a few horses in protective custody from your local law enforcement provided you are willing to flirt a little or whatever. I don’t recommend this tactic as your source of rescue horses may dry up once his wife finds out and beats your ass. It is far better to comb the hills and streets for the mythological abandoned horses that you, as a PSA, know to exist. However, there is a catch…..To be a proper rescue, you must only rescue young and sound horses. The old, injured and infirm horses are not worth your time and effort, so forget about them. According to the PSA bible, there are countless potential world champions wandering around loose all across this great country just waiting for you to rescue them. There is an exception that every good rescue is allowed to have one `mascot’ or poster child horse that has gotten you lot of press and you can keep trotting out for publicity whenever needed, but only one.
What Do You Do With The Horses You Rescue?
Since we already know that you only should be rescuing young, sound horses, you must assess them for training. Because you are a PSA, you know everything there is to know about horses and should immediately throw the tack on each and every horse you rescue. If said horse does not appreciate your efforts or shows resistance, you call your kill buyer friend to come and get it because you have come into the possession of one of those `bad horses’ that are everywhere. What you don’t have to worry about is re-feeding or special diets on any of your rescues because horses that need that stuff aren’t worth rescuing anyhow.
Adoption and Turn Around Times
An important aspect of rescue is how long to keep a horse. Every good PSA will tell you that quarantines are for pussies and that horses should only be held for a short amount of time. I’m going to suggest 30 – 60 days should be your maximum time allowed for a horse to find a new home. If it takes any longer than that horse is obviously still `unwanted’ and should be offloaded to your buddy the kill buyer or a Mexican rodeo. Horses like to feel useful so they will thank you for this opportunity. You must never charge more than $25 to adopt a rescue otherwise you are profiteering and are going to hell. There should be no contract in place for the adoption as you do not want to interfere with the new owner’s rights, which includes breeding if they desire. Once the horse leaves your property, you can give yourself a reach around and feel good about a job well done as your part is over.
We all know that every rescue needs money to operate. Horses must be fed and sometimes you may actually have to bring a farrier or vet in, although as a PSA rescue, you try to avoid such extravagant expenses. According to PSA rules, you must NEVER ask for donations. That is bad and wrong and will send you to hell faster than dating a Catholic priest. If you have achieved the Holy Grail of getting 501c3 status, you can apply for grants and do some fundraising, but never cross the line and openly ask for donations. In fact, if somebody just offers you some money, you should probably be paranoid and refuse. Instead, host a cheval BBQ or auction off some crafts in a silent auction. I hear the little varnished turds with plastic eyes are super cute and popular for stocking stuffers at Christmas. Also, don’t forget to pray at the altar of Slaughterhouse Sue that we get funding for USDA inspections back for horse slaughter as that will solve all your funding problems and free up more of your time to spend on Facebook. Tithing to the United Horsemen is mandatory for all PSA approved rescues as well.
Networking and Odds n Ends
As a rescue, you’ll automatically become a pillar of your community. Do not waste this status by resting on your laurels. Make sure you turn up at every town hall meeting and join lots of message boards and online communities. In fact, if you’re doing it right, at least 70% of your waking hours should be spent online. Be very vocal about your rescue and make sure that people know that you support slaughter. Tell them you could rescue even more horses if you could slaughter them. Write lots of unsolicited editorials for your local newspaper about how evil Wayne Pacelle, Richard Cuoto and Betty White are and never miss an opportunity to take a pot-shot at the local animal shelters that are no-kill. Do not forget to call your local kill buyer on a regular basis and keep that pipeline open so you can ensure a high turn-over for your rescue. A proper PSA rescue is never full!
So, that’s pretty much the important points of running a PSA rescue as far as I have been able to gather. Please correct me if I’m wrong. They give us so much information, it’s sometimes hard to take it all in. How did I do?