As you all realize, it’s been a fairly serious week in the slaughter wars. It’s also been a fairly hectic time for me since about Christmas and I have gotten away from some of our regular features that are mostly just for fun. I know that some of you miss Point and Laugh Friday and Sunday’s PSA because you’ve commented or sent emails. Do you know who else misses those features? The PSAs. While this blog is always quite busy with the views on any given day, those two days spike drastically on any given week. Believe it or not, those particular posts can be a bit more time-consuming than most, so I haven’t had a lot of time to do them justice at this time of year. However, I do think we need to laugh and honor our PSA buddies. They may not be brave enough to comment here much, but they do love their features, so today marks the beginning of a new semi-regular feature for this blog. In honor of reaching our one hundred thousandth unique viewer this past week, I bring to you, `Dear Aunt Anti’. This is where we will answer those burning questions we know our PSAs have and give them a chance to participate by proxy. Let’s see if you can guess the PSA behind the letters.
Dear Aunt Anti,
I am conflicted about horses. For years I have swindled my living by identifying myself as a trainer and expert. Because I live in an area that isn’t exactly the hotbed of the horse industry, I have been able to pass myself off as knowledgeable for quite some time even if it meant having to move my hoard on a regular basis to stay one step ahead of the people that I piss off and don’t approve of the condition I keep them in. Still, because I am bestest buddies with kill buyers and we trade horses back and forth, I have always managed to keep way too many of them on my feed bill, making me a one stop shop, for anybody that had a kid with a horse fantasy that didn’t know better than to go to a real professional. I managed to get them ribbons by organizing my own horse shows with rules and dress codes that don’t fly anywhere else in the free world. You could say I created my own private Idaho even.
However, starting a few years ago, people seemed to get wise to my ways and my business dried up. While I would like to have people believe it was due to the economy, I can admit to you in confidence that it is because I actually spend the majority of my life online looking for validation and reasons to be offended rather than actually learning my craft. How much can you really learn when you already know everything anyhow? I also have to admit that I don’t actually like horses very much other than the image I imagine they give me. Having horses makes me badass and cool in a way I never could be on my own. So in order to cash in on them, I decided to become what I could never be in the real world. An armchair horse expert. I have spent countless hours reading Wikipedia and The Black Stallion series. I have taken all I have learned and made those stories my own. I started my own blog to show how much I know about horses and the industry that so soundly rejected me. That’s where it all fell apart. Apparently, there are real horse people that sometimes come online and it was like they could see right through me. To combat this, I created alter egos to agree with myself and give me compliments. I even flirted a little with myself because I may as well be sexy online too. Still, these `horse people’ seemed wise to my ways. I’m convinced they are parked in that van across the street and they have bugs in my house. They don’t seem to like me very much, so I found acceptance among the pro slaughter crowd. They don’t seem to realize I’m a fraud. All three of them even read my blog and I’m going to cash in on that success by selling them lots of logo crap from Cafe Press. I’m told I could make up to $20 a month and that’s at least two super sized Big Mac meals!!!!! My real question is, how can I gain acceptance from real horse people and get them to understand that horses don’t have feelings and are durn good eating?
Paranoid in the Midwest
Bless your heart! You are a whole bunch of issues all wrapped up in a shroud of insecurities! The short answer to your question is that you will never be accepted by real horse people and neither will your buddies. The problem with trying to pass yourself off as an expert is that there will always be people that can see right through you just like the threadbare nylon granny panties you wear every day. Those are not healthy for your vagina btw. But I digress…My suggestion would be to pick something more obscure to pretend to know all about. The problem with attempting to be a horse expert is that at least 80% of the population really do like them and know more than you and they really take offense when people seek to torture and abuse these wonderful creatures. You see, they respect the animals as sentient beings and realize that they are no more meant to be on American dinner plates than puppies and kittens. Sure, we have some immigrant communities that see no problem in eating such things, but we also have immigrant communities that see no problem with arranged marriages and female circumcision. If you want to do that crap, take it on back to your own country because that doesn’t fly over here. I can promise you that the horse people do not have you under any kind of surveillance as they are all quite busy looking after their animals on any given day.
Because I care about you, I have taken the time to do a little research of my own. I have found that stamp collecting is probably a great pursuit for you. Stamps don’t have feelings and they don’t tend to get skinny and sick when you blow all your money tacky manicures and fast food rather than taking care of them. They don’t eat a thing! Also, the majority of the American population are not emotionally invested in stamps so they won’t mind when you get angry at your stamps and decide to run them through a paper shredder. Since stamps are not living things, they don’t have anatomy or even a lot of terminology attached to them so you should be able to pass yourself off as a lifelong expert in no time flat with very few challenges from the online stamp community. Another bonus is you can never have too many stamps and nobody will call you a hoarder. You will be known by the much more respectable term of `collector’ and that should help your self-esteem issues as well. You may even find somebody to flirt with you so you don’t have to do that with yourself. That kind of thing will make you go crazy and grow hair on your hands! Please pass this advice onto all your horse eating friends as I think they may be far less angry in the long run. Nobody likes to wake up and look at a failure in the mirror every day.
PS. Thank you for enclosing a picture of you in your former profession. I guess I won’t bother to tell you why a side pull over a halter and ill-fitting breast collar is a recipe for disaster since you’ve probably already suffered the consequences or at least the poor horse has…